NOW

No one could possibly imagine how I feel that has not passed this way.
I am in shock and have to try to return to the common and mundane.
It seems forever that I have been in crisis.
We all have a great transition to make.
Lydia and I have looked at each other dumbfounded, following the tears of joy. And the tears of relief from a very difficult battle we faced and from the will and strength we had to garner. She said to me "well we could go to the hospital every other week just for fun!!" That is all we have known for eight months. She of course has come to her senses and claims to never, ever be willing to enter a hospital again. But still every morning her question "What about today?"
I have made my life solely about her. She is at my side 99% of the time. When we are apart for a few hours we miss each other. It has been like a return to that bond you feel as a new mother, a nursing couple. She is always on my mind and when I am without her I feel an anxiety. I know that it will lessen over time, of course it will. But the trauma remains and I trust it will find its way to calm.

We have a book entitled Hope Begins in the Dark, 50 Lyphoma Survirors tell their life stories (Given to us soon after diagnosis by a very astute family member). One survivor reports about the aftermath. He states how everyone believes you return back to "normal." Normal has a new meaning to a cancer survivor and their family. This particular writer is angry. Angry at the world. Angry that everyone thinks there is a great lesson to be learned. That so many survivors claim that cancer is the best thing that ever happened to them. He recoils, and claims, damnit, no. It is part of the process of grieving the life we once knew and the body that has let us down. But, I pray I will, we will one day be able to say there is a highly valued lesson, no hefty residual anger. I truly do. For now, I can not say.
I adjust, we adjust in time.

The writer goes on to say " I try to do one thing every day that scares me, go out and take risks. Life is too short to play it safe you might miss something. Live in the moment and do not take it all so seriously." A Good Lesson? I think so?

Lydia will return to school? How? How has this affected this teen? How will she understand her peers and their smaller worlds. Her's has grown rapidly, more rapidly than anyone would wish.
Tears come to our eyes in relief. She was meant for a great many things. She will accomplish a great many things, things like laughing, smiling, dancing and joy. This is what we wish for Lydia.
And, for all.

Thank you for all your heart felt words and warmth. Thanks to all those who found me at the bank or market or bakery or library in tears and gave me all your love and support. You all have been truly amazing.

Mike says we need a CANCER FREE PARTY? Maybe so? for Now I am at rest.

Free, Free set us free

Pet scan negative
Lydia is cancer FREE

PINCH ME! happy??? healthy?????

Life is extreme. No middle of the road to be found here.

Make A Wish Foundation, Looming and Crushing Pet Scans and, and, and Vampire Weekend!

This has been Lydia's and my life in a nut shell.

What do you want Lydia? A rafting trip down the Colorado river? A Napa Valley Spa week? San Fransisco and the Redwood forest? I think this she gets to choose!!!

Can she choose how the pet scan turns out?

Can we bear the wait for the life altering, miracle, controlling, crushing, @#$%@# news? No! It is really, really hard. So we keep our friends close around us. I can not leave her alone.

But the real piece de resistance (this time it is not the bar top dance). We have an amazing hot band, new on the scene, coming to play for us in Northampton. We are still working out the details with Jordi Herold, the big Northampton area music promoter dude, and Vampire Weekend!!! Vampire Weekend have been heard in the soundtracks of block buster films and Gossip Girl and Grey's Anatomy to name a few. They are BIG!! Check them out on the net and get ready.

So, pinch me. Lydia needs more than a pinch as it is hard for her to believe all of this through her disillusioned eyes.

I know it will.......It will be so much fun. I can see her now in the front row with all her friends. The date is not set as we are working out the venue, etc. But there has been a lot of interest even from the Mullin Center.

Last but most certainly not least......this is of the Utmost Importance:

Pray for Lydia in what ever way that takes form for you. She has her test next Monday 2/9/09, a very, very fateful day.

We witches will gather soon in the moonlight up in the hills to bring in all the light and energy we can muster for my child.

Please help in your private way. I am so proud of my community's Wishful ways. I take not one of your thoughts or deeds lightly and not ever for granted. Thank you, again and again.

Peace and abundance to you all.

Thank you all so much for you love support and your outstretched arms in embrace. Lydia and I know we are deeply held in your love. Your gifts and actions have spoken volumes:

Penny's pies!

Rachel's turmeric leaves all the way from Peurto RIco! Yes, hand delivered within days of harvest!!

Hand written cards from family and friends from Cape Cod to Maine.

Earth Spirit's warm and generous welcoming over and over to Adam, Lydia and myself.

A new Morris team with four other 8th graders!.

Curry for all

A spontaneous four mile walk

Thanks for dragging me out kicking and screaming to ski

a spa treatment just for me

a scrabble game or two.

knitting by the fire with friends

games night

MassMoCA

an afternoon lunch with a friend

Smith Athletic department giving Lydia free membership

Massages

plant spirit medicine

Acupuncture and Yoga

Weaving lessons

Magic lessons

Tarot reading

Companionship for Lydia when unable to function with a friend who feels the very same way. What a gift disguised as horrible misfortune!

the list goes on and on

To all of you who know just what to say and do,

We have abundance. Right here right now. Take a look. edit