NOW

No one could possibly imagine how I feel that has not passed this way.
I am in shock and have to try to return to the common and mundane.
It seems forever that I have been in crisis.
We all have a great transition to make.
Lydia and I have looked at each other dumbfounded, following the tears of joy. And the tears of relief from a very difficult battle we faced and from the will and strength we had to garner. She said to me "well we could go to the hospital every other week just for fun!!" That is all we have known for eight months. She of course has come to her senses and claims to never, ever be willing to enter a hospital again. But still every morning her question "What about today?"
I have made my life solely about her. She is at my side 99% of the time. When we are apart for a few hours we miss each other. It has been like a return to that bond you feel as a new mother, a nursing couple. She is always on my mind and when I am without her I feel an anxiety. I know that it will lessen over time, of course it will. But the trauma remains and I trust it will find its way to calm.

We have a book entitled Hope Begins in the Dark, 50 Lyphoma Survirors tell their life stories (Given to us soon after diagnosis by a very astute family member). One survivor reports about the aftermath. He states how everyone believes you return back to "normal." Normal has a new meaning to a cancer survivor and their family. This particular writer is angry. Angry at the world. Angry that everyone thinks there is a great lesson to be learned. That so many survivors claim that cancer is the best thing that ever happened to them. He recoils, and claims, damnit, no. It is part of the process of grieving the life we once knew and the body that has let us down. But, I pray I will, we will one day be able to say there is a highly valued lesson, no hefty residual anger. I truly do. For now, I can not say.
I adjust, we adjust in time.

The writer goes on to say " I try to do one thing every day that scares me, go out and take risks. Life is too short to play it safe you might miss something. Live in the moment and do not take it all so seriously." A Good Lesson? I think so?

Lydia will return to school? How? How has this affected this teen? How will she understand her peers and their smaller worlds. Her's has grown rapidly, more rapidly than anyone would wish.
Tears come to our eyes in relief. She was meant for a great many things. She will accomplish a great many things, things like laughing, smiling, dancing and joy. This is what we wish for Lydia.
And, for all.

Thank you for all your heart felt words and warmth. Thanks to all those who found me at the bank or market or bakery or library in tears and gave me all your love and support. You all have been truly amazing.

Mike says we need a CANCER FREE PARTY? Maybe so? for Now I am at rest.